fromthehip's blog
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The Children and Reruns, Re-run

14 April 08 - 21:34

     I love my old sit-coms. It's a blessing and a curse, for my wife that is. Sneaking in a "Green Acres" or "F Troop" re-run here and there gives me a jolt into my past I can't start to explain. Imagine the joy I'm feeling as my kids, sweet children, glued to the tv are hooked on "Get Smart." If only I didn't have to explain the sub-humor.

The survey on Sushi

14 April 08 - 20:36

Confusion in the Courthouse

12 April 08 - 23:46

       As of late I've seen more than my share of the county courthouse. It seems that some, but not all have a dress code. At least some more than others feel the need to post a sign, inside the building, stating no shorts, bare feet, bathing attire, etc. will be allowed in the courtroom. You might think this would be posted outside the metal detectors and front doors. Instead, in the parking lot they post signs stating that metal detectors and weapons screening are required before entry into the building. And to top off the dress code they tell you "Please come to order and remain seated." Where's the respect?

Who is "They" and how they know so much?

12 April 08 - 23:31

     We all know it's useless to argue with the all knowing they.  "They say that . . . bla bla bla", they know everything, you can quote they and they are never wrong. They say you should or shouldn't and you do or don't accordingly.  Why don't they ever help though?  I mean really, they never give lottery numbers and they don't give stock tips. But what gets me most is they never run out of things to say.  I think they need help, serious help.  And not the once a week, 1 hour chatting on the couch kind either, but around-the-clock lock down men in white coats type.  Unless they are on my side that is.

The New Age Mime

09 April 08 - 22:08

      This may seem a bit out dated but, when is the last time you saw a really good mime? Besides "Shields and Yarnell" from the 70's, I couldn't really say. Recently, down in San Diego at the science center, Balboa Park, where all the museums are, there are performance artists all over and I spotted a mime. As devious little thoughts frolicked in my head of ways to make him talk, I explained the concept of a mime to my kids. Later, after a full day of wonder and excitement, the kids ran to taunt the mime. About 5 minutes later I noticed my kids laughing and talking with the mime. I ask you, how can I let a "mime" undermine the sanctity of fatherhood. So I walked up to them, sent the kids away and told that mime, "Don't you ever talk to my children like that! What were you thinking? Who knows how badly you screwed up their heads?" and I walked away. Oddly enough, he didn't say a word.

"Play Ball!"

09 April 08 - 16:24

     Ever get excited when you hear, off in the distance someone yell, "Play Ball!" I experienced both the ups and downs of being aware of my surroundings. Sure, I played 'little league' when I was young, and "Heads up", and "Goal", or whatever meant something, but as a parent, they transform me into "Action Dad". Gotta prove myself to the kids, and all at once came to a crashing end. With cat like reflexes I leaped from the car to survey the game, only to display co-ordination seen during child birth of a baby giraffe in the wild, discovering some kid listening to his 'boom box".   Game over!  

Idle Hands are the Devils Plaything?

08 April 08 - 12:51

 Q.    Has this ever happened to you? You leave the house in a hurry, (kids, time, clothes don't look right, etc.)and the house is a disaster. You have a great time, ate and get home just wanting to relax.  Surprised at the condition you left the house in you start to clean, ignoring the kids with,"Just get ready for bed and I'll tuck you in!" By 2am the house is acceptable, kids are snoring so you finally lay down to rest. Next thing you know, you wake up to the kids fighting, hop out of bed and 'WHAM!', like a kick in the face, the house is worse than before so you kick yourself for wasting what could have been a great memory.
 A.    Nope! I would have yelled at the inconsiderate little s%@#'s too.

But it's a holiday!

07 April 08 - 11:37

Have your kids ever tried to protest, "But it's a holiday!"? Well, did you ever try to figure out the definition of a holiday? Not as easy as it sounds. Now try explaining it to your kids,...wait for it,...without contradicting yourself. Talk about loopholes. Yes, it is a special day, but not necessarily a day off from work. Sometimes only some people work, everyone works or nobody seems to know but you. Yes, your birthday is special but we work. No, you don't always get gifts, a card or people to enjoy it with you. Thursday doesn't qualify unless it's Thanksgiving. Easter keeps changing and "we don't celebrate that one" all come into play. I give up, from now on, don't listen to the tv, signs or your friends. It's a holiday when we (the parents) feel like it or don't forget. Otherwise, just be happy your alive.

The Magical Marriage Vanishing Trick

06 April 08 - 00:22

     Before I got married, I had a lot of stuff. At least I thought I did, my house was full and there wasn’t room for anything else. Then, after a few months of dating, she moved in. Despite the lack of space, she brought her stuff. Long story short, we married and got more stuff. Had twins and  got double stuff. Then a son came, and with him more stuff.  As I was looking around the other day I had to ask myself, "Wheres my stuff? When did all my stuff shrink down?" Now, all my stuff fits in ONE drawer.

Get Ready ! ! !

05 April 08 - 10:26

      Being a parent has it's ups and downs when making plans that involve a time schedule. Getting ready to go somewhere, anywhere, with twin 8yr. old girls and a 5yr. old son is about as easy as shooting pool with a piece of rope. Know what I mean (T.T.Bo.B.)? I find the whole idea needs it's own time zone. Here's an idea, 1/2 hr. buffer for anyone with more than 1 kid and 15 min. for each thereafter. Sounds great, but there's  a catch, you can't tell the mother. That alone would put 50% of our marriage counselors out of business.  

Fun at the Grocery Store

04 April 08 - 04:33

     Taking a trip to the local grocer sure can relieve stress, if you do it right. There's nothing more gratifying than a scowling glare at a mother trying to control her kids down the cereal aisle. Try this, when they're not looking, toss a box of cookie crisp into their cart and watch. Or maybe the candy bar at the checkout that "accidentally" falls into their conveyor  belt bar. But nothing is as fun as shopping out of someone else's cart. The only thing you need is a strait face, . . . and some balls guts. Try it, have some fun, but most of all remember, your just relieving stress. At least now you won't have to go home and kick the dog!

Reality for a Kid

03 April 08 - 14:15

   It's hard to know if my kids understand the difference between real and make believe or important and silly. Having me as a father really doesn't help much either. After the daily recital of the dangers in the kitchen, I returned to my daily work. Quite some time passed without any interruptions. Nice and quiet, maybe a little too quiet. Upon returning to the kitchen, I found almost everything hazardous to little fingers strewn across the counters. No idea what the powders, crumbs and chunks were and three of the proudest faces I ever saw. "Surprise! We're 'Top Chef'-ing!" they shouted. Thanks to my wife's viewing habits, I endured some dishes that would make Ronald McDonald roll over in his grave, . . . after the food killed him!

No Food with Faces

02 April 08 - 15:41

     The thought of becoming a vegetarian is a little odd, for me anyway. Meat is what's for dinner, or something like that. It's very simple, if GOD didn't want us to eat meat, why are there so many tasty cuts? I mean really, filete mignon, prime rib, bacon and Burger King. We have teeth to eat meat and everything. So I guess "Animal Rights for Vegetables!"

I'm A Fool for April Fool's

01 April 08 - 17:29

     Are you a fool for April Fool's? I sure am! It's the greatest. Ever since I was a little joke, . . . um . . . joker that is. Like a Christmas of merriment for all who prey on the unsuspecting. What a pleasure it is to promote involuntary bodily reactions and fluids a release from life's stranglehold. A celebration of  mirth and mayhem, until you have kids that is. This year, no exploding, frozen, malfunctioning, non-edible anything. This April Fools  sucks! Or does it? My wife thinks the day is over, maybe just one gag will make tomorrow  worth looking forward to.